Why can't two arms and two legs be enough?

originally posted Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I'm at the gym working out with Nikki. I'm cranky because this pesky hip injury is still preventing me from my normal work out routine. Nikki was kind enough to let me join up with her and lift some weights.

If I do any strength training it's usually at home. I normally stick to the classes and avoid the weight area of the gym. There are too many freak-a-zoids on steroids for my taste. Excessively bleached blondes with big buoyant boobies and painfully painted faces. Spandex. Lycra. Thongs. Need I say more?

I do a little cardio on a recumbent bike before lifting and already my hip is throbbing. Will I ever be normal again? And what the hell happened to my hip to begin with? It's not like I'm 80!

I'm making the rounds on the machines with Nikki. It's not too bad. I'm remembering how strong I feel when I'm lifting. It's a good feeling. Not good enough to offset the 10 lbs I've gained since being injured though... but that's why I'm here, isn't it? Nikki is doing a double set of lat pull downs and I opt to walk a quick lap around the track while I'm waiting for her to finish. That's when I see him.

The first thing I notice is his oversized T-shirt. It reads, "Smoke a Fatty!". Yeah, that's classy. He definitely belongs here in the weight area! Then, as I pass him I realize something isn't right. I can see through his knees! Oh my god, the guy is bionic! He's got flesh tone racing legs! That's awesome! Then I glance up and I notice he has no arms either. He has nubs. They end maybe 3 or 4 inches above where his elbows should be and I see all of this without really looking, as I'm passing him on the track.

Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. This guy has no arms, no legs and he's in the gym on a Monday night lifting weights! I have the audacity to complain about a bum hip and this guy has no real appendages to speak of and he's happily working out!

What the hell is wrong with me that I can't just BE HAPPY! I have arms! I have legs! Mostly, all my parts are present and in good working condition.

Yes, I am a smidge heavier than I should be, or want to be.
Yes, I tend to date flawed men with odd proclivities and an inability to emotionally connect.
But why the hell can't I just be happy with that? Why can't I just work hard at my job, exercise with focused intensity and lead a quiet life with my dog?

Why do I always want more?

Why can't two arms and two legs be enough?
Why can't a guy who has a good job, a modicum of intelligence and decent looks be enough?
Why can't I just be happy with a guy who tolerates my existence?
Why do I insist on being with someone who thinks I'm cute, is kind to me and physically affectionate?
Someone who WANTS to be with me? Someone capable of real emotional intimacy?

After leaving the gym, I spend some time with a guy who is smart, has a great job, is intelligent and decent looking.
... yet even after all that, it still isn't enough.