Life Is But A Dream

As I was leaving the office on Monday, I got word that my grandmother passed away that morning. It's been a long time coming and I didn't feel a thing other than concern for the rest of the family. There's lots of details and logistics to handle now. Plus, plenty of family drama that I'm just not used to anymore. I live far, far away from these people for a reason.

It reminds me how many luxuries I enjoy in my quiet, single life. Other than my dog, I'm generally not beholden to anyone. My life allows me to be selfish, like Cartman on Southpark ("Whatevah! I do what I want!"). For the time being though, my perspective has shifted. Family is the priority right now. For the moment, job interviews, freelance sales meetings, and dates with boys have all been demoted.

I couldn't reach my granddad. It was a constant busy signal, so I went to the gym to wait him out. I arrived midway through a spin class and squeezed every last endorphin out of that bike. His phone was still busy. I went upstairs for a yoga class and the tears came quietly. They caught me by surprise.

The tears aren't because of my grandmother's death, they're because of her life. I feel so incredibly lucky in comparison. She was wired differently..not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but the sunniest disposition you could imagine. Why couldn't I just be dumb and happy like her? Wouldn't life be easier?

I've had the luxury of designing the life I want. I put myself through college and grad school, worked in interesting jobs, traveled internationally for pleasure and work, lived in various parts of the country, bought my own modest home, and adopted my brilliant but neurotic dog. I've been able to explore all kinds of interests, hobbies and adventures while her life was lived in a terrarium. Her world was very small and she never had control.

I have a clear memory of a conversation we had when I was a teenager. As she was ironing my dad's shirts she admonished that if I didn't master some domestic skills like ironing and cooking and become willing to serve a man, I'd never find a husband. Can you imagine?! Sometimes I'm weary of all the responsibility of taking care of myself, but I don't think I could ever tolerate the alternative. Despite all her years of service, she never got the happy ending.

I won't be at the memorial tomorrow. I couldn't get a bereavement fare. Who knew that those tickets are harder to get than redeeming your "freakin' flier miles"? All the airlines are sold out of those fares but are happy to offer a roundtrip ticket for $1000.00. Thanks for the sensitivity, guys.

It's OK. My family was insistent that I stay put for now and come in another week or two when things have settled down a bit. I'll be of more use then anyway. I just booked my ticket.