Double Dipping

OK, OK.... so I'm not supposed to do it.

Part of the whole philosophy of 100 First Dates is to get in, get out and get on with things when there's nothing there, be it connection, spark, attraction, whatever. The point is to make haste and not waste time when it doesn't work with someone. Some people have thrown this back in my face. Just to clarify: I am NOT trying to date as many men as humanly possible. I'm not putting notches my lipstick case. I'm just in search of something real.

I ditched A after 3 dates last year because I didn't feel any physical chemistry with him. I thought he was a great guy, but I just didn't see any romantic potential there. For some reason he held onto my contact info. Awhile back I got a random instant message from him and he's been sending me the occasional hello since then. Maybe it's helped that he works at the same company and he's able to contact me through the Matrix while all other external forms of communication are verbotin. It's been nice to have a friend on "the inside".

Last night I met him at the Draught Horse to buy him a belated birthday beer. It was totally low key. No makeup, flip flops, shorts. I brought the dog. He had two pints of St. Arnold's Octoberfest, I had a hefeweisen, and the dog had plenty of love from other patrons.

It was so nice to see him again. He's still adorable. There's a genuine warmth and ease about him. He's a genuine guy. ... and he's also exactly the right size for me. He called me "Shortie" and he meant it. Literally. Not just in the generic-white- guy,wanna-be-ghetto-fabulous way. I'm 2 years older than him, but he still makes me feel like he could take care of me. Like he's in charge.

When we parted, I got a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I wasn't sure if it was the brush off. Then he left a message last night and today he called to say hi after work. Very sweet.

He's been on my mind since last night.

I just don't know about him. As I mentioned, he's a great guy but he's very vanilla. He's a meat and potatoes guy. Traditional. Family oriented. Mom, America and apple pie. Football, for cryin' out loud! Yes, I know... it's a religion in Texas.

I can't imagine he'll ever be able to talk to me about football. I can't imagine I'll ever be able to talk with him about books, art or theater. I'm lucky enough to have such a diverse group of friends who give me that, so is it fair for me to expect him to meet all of these intrinsic needs I have for cultural stimulation?

No partner can meet all of your needs - it's not possible. You've got to have some sense of self outside of a relationship.
Is it even fair for me to expect significant overlap? Am I asking too much?

I'd Really Love To See You Tonight

I'm guilty of recently picking up a $3 CD at Target that included some rather lame 70's pop ballads from my childhood. They're the aural equivalent of comfort food. I popped it in the stereo and was singing along in my car with the top down.

I should never have listened to it. I think my mobile sing-a-long has somehow invoked some combination of karma and Kasey Casem long distance dedication mojo. Do you know this one?

I'm not talking 'bout movin' in...

and I don't want to change your life...

but there's a warm wind blowin', the stars are out...

and I'd really love to see you tonight.

It made me think of someone specific. I was on my way out to meet up with a gaggle of friends for a birthday happy hour when J called. Haven't heard from him in ages. He's not local. Our last visit was in Boston... and I can't even remember how long ago that was. A year ago? Was it more?

I was presenting at a conference back then and he came down to the city for the weekend. We hung out with his friends one night and took in a photography exhibit at the museum the next day. When the new job took me to Boston this June, it was hard for me. Now that city reminds me of him.

We have a connection. There's definitely substance and he's just as much a unique personality as I am, but the logistics don't work. I live in Austin. He doesn't. I'm not moving to try him on like a pair of shoes. Neither is he. We've never gotten to actually date each other. Not really.

We spent a long time on the phone catching up with each other. It's mundane. It's compassionate. It's wistful. And despite how annoyed I was at him with our last visit and our disagreement, part of me thinks yes, it would be really nice to just be with him.

By the time I got downtown, it was no longer happy hour at Casino el Camino, but my friends were happy to see me anyway. We moved the party to someone's house and it was a perfect evening. Homemade mojitos with mint clipped fresh from the garden. Some twinkly patio lights. A small group of just the right people. Perfect weather.

I felt complete.

Gravitational Pull

I'm feeling at peace for the first time in a long time.

Maybe it's the break in the weather.

Maybe it's having had a little time away from the chaos at work and getting a little perspective, resetting my priorities. Triage protocol is to handle the most serious and life threatening conditions first. Flight attendants tell you that you have to put your own oxygen mask on before putting it on the shrieking toddler next to you. I'm working on that.

I made it to the gym for the second time in a row this week (albeit late). Ah, the endorphins... how I've missed the endorphins!

I ran some errands after the gym with the top down on the car and tonight I fell in love with the moon. At one point it was gold. Didn't matter where I was ... I couldn't tear myself away from it. When I got home I stood at the end of my driveway staring up and said a prayer of thanks.

Date 75 - Su, Su, Pseudo-Date

K practically lives in my backyard. I can't actually recall the first time we met; I'm sure it was through some kind of social setting. At this point we've known each other for at least a couple of years.

I don't see all that much of him, but it's always nice when I do. K's the kind of guy who has everything you want from a character perspective. He's bankable in that department; a solid guy with real integrity. I have alot of respect for him. He's always offering compliments and there's always been a flirty vibe between us, but some small yet quintessential something eludes us.

It just so happened that I had a little meltdown at work before the Labor Day holiday and I needed to get away from it all. I needed a reality check. When K called that Saturday, I jumped at the chance to go out on his boat. Just the two of us.

I got directions to his place, packed up a little picnic lunch for us and drove over. After the grand tour (new house), he got our frosty adult beverages in order and proceeded to take care of everything. How awesome is that? Although I've spent alot of time on boats, I'm not used to having to put a boat in the water and the whole ramp situation is pretty intimidating to me. For those of you who are uninitiated, it's a major pain in the barnacle. I was very appreciative.

We cruised around for awhile. After laughing at some frat boys and "girls-about-to-go-wild" who were getting ticketed for being WAY over the maximum occupancy for their watercraft, we found a nice little nook of a cove to anchor in. We splashed around for awhile and hung out on styrofoam noodles.

It was most excellent and exactly the relaxation I needed until the perch started to nibble on us. That's just too freaky for me, so I opted to hang out in the front of the boat and read for awhile.

It was a perfect day spent together. Easy company. I wanted it to work. And somehow our date just wasn't quite a date. It was more than just going out with a friend, but less than a date. A pseudo-date.

I think part of it is that K knows that I'm not fully available for him.

That I couldn't...wouldn't just sign up to be his girlfriend. And besides, we're both more than fully occupied with our respective jobs at the moment. Even though we're going nowhere together, part of me will still be jealous when he does sign another girlfriend.

Long Time, No See

I got a voicemail today from a guy I've neither seen nor spoken with in a long, long time. Years ago we had a physical relationship.

It was one of those things that's just clear from the get-go. There's never going to be anything more, and frankly, I never wanted anything more from him. Eventually the equation tipped against him. When his arrogance became more annoying than the physical fulfillment was rewarding, I was out. No fuss, no muss.

He called today because he wanted a date for a "Weathergirls" concert this evening. Is that some weird way of coming out?

Work Strife Balance

In corporate lingo, it's what we call "a challenge"... "an opportunity" even. Blech. Why can't we just tell it like it is? This week, I was trampled in high-tech Pamplona. Nah, forget trampled, I was gored.

I'll try to spare you, dear readers, the gory details and majority of my angst and just give you the relevant splatters.

The really cool cute guy on my team up and quit on Monday. Too bad he's too young for me, or now he'd be eligible for the dating program. Did I mention how cute he is?

He executed the most powerful form of quitting too, the "I'm not going to another job, I'm just getting away from you hateful mofos" brand of quitting. In his case, well played! Sadly, his message was quickly diluted, his thunder stolen when the next day, my boss announced his eminent departure.

My boss QUIT! I'll give you three bullet points to highlight my shock and dismay:

• Effective and local manager was key ingredient in me taking this job
• Excellent role model: successful, well connected / happy husband, involved parent
• Offered reassurance that balance was possible at zany chaotic workplace

The manager who will be his temporary replacement already cracked under the pressure of another project and attacked me in front of a coworker. Then he continued to poke and prod at me while I needed him to be OUT of my personal space. All of it got to me. Bad.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with this on my mind, so I rallied that night. Everything for our dog and pony show the next morning went off without a hitch and I felt vindicated. Not because I saved the day, but because everything happened just as I had foreseen it, and the day never needed saving in the first place. *sigh*

I hate seeing red. All of this nonsense was like getting stabbed repeatedly by a matador. Yes, it pissed me off, but I was disoriented and bleeding too. If my boss, who seemed the master, couldn't make it work at this place (with a wife at home to support him, do his laundry, and offer the occasional home cooked meal) what possible chance do I have at work/strife balance?

More importantly, am I ever going to have the time or energy for a dating life while working at this place?