Somewhere Between Agony and Optimism

Someone recently asked me what I want... what I'm looking for in a relationship and what I want out of life. I didn't have any concrete answers and maybe that's a problem. A lack of vision. Maybe I've been afraid of disappointment - that by hoping for something specific I'd be devastated when it didn't arrive. For instance, I've never really thought about children. I know I don't want to be a single mother, and since there's no significant other on the horizon, it's never seemed pertinent. What if I do want kids? What then?

Somewhere between agony and optimism...
I heard that line on a network TV drama tonight. I love the way it sums things up. I feel like I'm being tested right now. I said goodbye to a great guy that had potential and we'd barely even said hello.

We'd been out a couple of times when he told me how much he really liked me and that he wanted to keep dating me. I felt the same.
He told me some unmentionable things he'd like to do to me; I was interested.
He told me he didn't want to be involved in a serious relationship and I heard him. Game over.

He inquired later that night what I thought about what he'd said. My response: "I think you're great, and I'm definitely attracted to you, but I don't think we're in the same place." He even called a week later about a date, evidently the message, so softly delivered, didn't quite sink in the first time.

There was a time when that would have been enough for me, when I could have just been in it for a little fun, a diversion, a "good time"... but it's just not enough anymore. I've been down that road and it's a dead end. I know if I spend enough time with someone I like, I'm going to become attached. I think I'd rather be alone than waste my time with someone who isn't really available. I don't have alot of room in my life as it is... better to leave what little space I have for someone real, than to fill it with artificial sweetener.